Preface

Please Watch My Emmy Winning Movie, The Pez Outlaw on Amazon Prime, Peacock, Sling & Pluto. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Best actor at SXSW. Thank You.

We all wear a mask to the world.

Please always remember when reading anything that I write. These are my opinions only. I am not a Doctor, I am a storyteller. I write about my life the way I have dealt with the challenges of Mental health issues & Addiction.

My stories are only meant to help you not feel alone & hopefully choose a better path for yourself. Please seek out profesional help.

I believe that a very high percentage of addiction starts as self medicating Mental health issues.

To Do what I do, Share so openly in public requires that you are not bothered by peoples opinions of you. With everything that I have been through in this Life, it above all is the single biggest kindness life has given me.

My desire to change & be a better person has always been fueled by a very strong inner need to do so. With age I am finding contentment in this goal.

Crazy is always with me, but you find ways to put it in its place or just finally embrace it & use it.

Now I feel the need to share my story in an effort to help others find there path. That need is the realization of how many people are suffering. It shocks me at times.

Ilona once said to me. Do you actually get better? Paraphrasing a bit. My anwer should have been that you find a way to cope with it. Make peace. Accept it.

I have never been under a Doctors care. I do not use pharmacuticals/drugs. I have never been a member of Alcaholics Anonimus. Narcotics Anonimus or Crazy Anonimus. My only drugs are asperin, Tylenol, Advil, Nicotine & coffee.

Before you get your undergarments in a twist. I absolutely do not recomend my methods & do wholeheartedly endorse all of the above groups. They do really good work & they work. My path might have been easier if I had done or joined these groups.

My personal issues make it impossible for me to do this. It has never been an option for me. The only option for me has & is to find my own path. I accept this, but this is my personal issue. You can & shold see a doctor & joint these groups to help yourself. They know what they are doing.

The list of why this has never been an option for me is long. as with crazy I just accept it.

How can I help people dealing with Mental health issues, Drug & alcahol abuse.

Mom said that I might be Biting off more than I can chew.

No doubt she is right but I feel the need to try.

Here's the thing, I love saying that.

If people are not ready to hear it, you are just plain wasting your time & in most cases just going to anger them.

So what I think is best is to start a New Blog where I dive as deep as I can into my personal journey with these things.

That way people will only come to it when they are ready & might want to hear it.

The answers are not easy to hear & the time it takes can make you want to give up when you hear it.

My journey has been 50yrs, but to me it is worth it.

For the last 2 decades I have been able give back to Mom while she has been on her own journey.

The 1st step is a desire to change, to understand that this is not who you want to be. Then you have ears that will listen & your journey can begin.

I want to also pull the fire alarm on a taboo subject.

Suicide. Everone with mental health issues, Drug & Alcahol abuse has this flicker at times through there brain.

I only know one thing that is true. The fact that you were born means that you are meant to do this.

If I had done this I would not have been here when Mom needed me most.

If you do the work, you then can be there for someone else who will need you in the future.

This new blog will be called, "Life Is Really Hard".

I have to say this somewhere.

I truly believe that Covid & the lockdown triggered a very unnatural spike in the numbers of people now dealing with Mental Health Issues & Addiction. A trigger, if you will.

I hope that my story Helps.

PS on Covid Lockdown.

I've been dealing with Crazy for Half a century.

I know for most folks it was a complete Horror Show.

To be brutally Honest though. I Loved the Covid Lockdown.

The streets were totally empty. I went more places than I would have dreamed of Pre or Post Covid. Forgive me But I loved it.

The Beginning

Please Watch My Emmy Winning Movie, The Pez Outlaw on Amazon Prime, Peacock, Sling & Pluto. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Best actor at SXSW. Thank You.

I believe that a very high percentage of addiction starts as self medicating Mental health issues. 

It to me is very important to understand the root cause of my early addictions. This is how I see it.

If you have issues & choose to self medicate with Alcahol or drugs, you are just putting off coming to grips with your Mental Health issues. Not to mention the new problem you have just stacked on top of it. Your attempt to smother your Mental health issues has just added a New Problem that can take a decade to recover from the damage that it does. And that now has to be also dealt with as you try to get to the real problems, Mental health.

My personal journey with Mental health & addiction began at roughly the age of 15yrs old. It was when I had to step out into the social world of being a teenager. Parties & dances. Hang with friends & meet Girls. For me this was very difficult. I distinkly remember talking my dad out of a good swig from his Saturday bottle of wine before I headed out to a teen dance club. That act set the new pattern.

It worked & people thought that I was a fun great guy to include in social activities. The problem was that I had just taken my 1st baby step to a really big problem. 

Alcahol was now my crutch. It didn't help at all that I come from a long line of Alcaholics.

This I suppose would be a good time to add that I am compulsive Obsessive. If a little is good, A lot is alway better.

The next 6yrs moved at a very fast pace & progression deeper into alcahol & Drug dependency. A lot of really bad decisions were made with very little thought.

Alcahol mostly in the 1st year or 2. Then Smoking Pot which led to very heavy use of LSD. Eventually Meth, Cocaine & Heroine. There were a lot of other drugs that I used, Basically I used any drug that I could lay my hands on.

By the end of my addictions I was High on whatever was at hand about 90% of every waking Hour of every day. This included Alcahol. By the end I could drink a good size glass of straight whiskey & just get a really good Buz.

Cars were smashed & Laws were broken. Here I'm going to be a bit vague because I just do not want to relive it all. Some of the crimes were quite serious. Enough so that the rehab clinic I ended up in tried to pass me off like a hot potatoe to a Psychiatric Hospital.

Here is where my decision was made to handle getting clean on my own. The rehab clinic was giving me drugs to get clean????

At intake for the Psyciatric Hospital I could not not see that the person questioning me used drugs. I guess by then we could recognize each other. I asked & they admitted it openly.

At that point I told my Mother That this was all a waste of time & why. I was going to have to do this the hard way.

I have to admit to you that compared to folks who used drugs & alcahol for 25yrs or more, my 6-7 years seems lite weight. What can I say, I was an extreme over achiever. I did a crazy amount of damage to myself very very fast.

At it's core was my Mental health isues, which walked in lockstep with me during those 6-7 years. I know that the Navy Doctor diagnosed me as Schizophrenic & Masochistic. I no longer believe that there Diagnosis was complete, Im not sure Bipolar was even in there repetoire yet, Let alone Compulsive Obsessive. 

I'm sure that other isms are involved, so I just call it crazy. Crazy was always there during my alcahol & drug use. It still is a part of every day I am allowed to walk this Earth. Though I have learned tricks Like which voices to listen to & which voices to exile to the very back of the room.

Here is where Schizophrenia & living in a cartoon world becomes useful. I designate the aspects of my personality as individuals in my head. All with voices trying to be heard. The jerks go to the back of the crowd in my head. I put the best version of me in charge, He decides who is allowed to be heard. The bad voices are still there & do still try to be heard, but we shut them down the best we can.

I think that the decision to relegate the bad voices as not to be listened to is very important. That decision puts you in charge again. I try very hard every day to be the best version of myself.

Crazy, Full Blown Onset

 

Please Watch My Emmy Winning Movie, The Pez Outlaw on Amazon Prime, Peacock, Sling & Pluto. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Best actor at SXSW. Thank You.

My 1st attempt to change the trajectory of my Life was to join The US Marine Corp in 1969.

I had no idea that this was possibly the worst thing that I could have done.

On its face it was the perfect answer, but if your mind is damaged. The cure only makes it worse.

I joined the Marines to escape my life of drug use and drinking since I was 15 years old. I came to the Marines already damaged goods. Also remember.  I was 17, then just turned 18 years old when this all happened. Please also remember that this was roughly 1969 during the Vietnam war. 

If I don't tell the whole story, you won't understand who I am. Why things that don't seem normal to you, seem very normal to me. We are all the sum and total of our life experiences.

Over the next 9 months I went from struggling mentally to Full Blown onset of Crazy & the worst that I have ever been in my entire Life.

So here is the hitch hiking story.
This all happened near the end of my time in the Marine Corp.  

In 1968 I decided one weekend to hitch hike my way home to see my girlfriend. A rather normal thing. Except on the way back to Quantico Virginia I was arrested for hitch hiking on the Ohio turnpike. I spent the next 30 days in county jail because I had also forgotten to get permission from the Marines. In short I did not have a pass. Being detached to the US ARMY at the time for schooling as a Cartographic draftsman. A map maker. It took the Marines a month to realize I was gone.

Fact is I could have cared less. Going through a crazy period, I had a great time. My status was AWOL, absent without leave. This gets you a private room, Maximum security in county lockup. So for the next few weeks I spent my time sleeping or messing with the guards. Here is an example of what I thought was fun at the time. The maximum security cell I was in had walls on 3 sides. The only side that had bars was the front. For me personally having your toilet in plain sight for all to see was less than modest. One morning I decided to do something about it. I used my Sunday newspaper to build a fourth wall, by weaving it through the bars. Ah privacy at last. Which I promptly took advantage of. Once I had relieved myself, the guards discovered my renovations. The guards were not pleased at all with my gesture of defiance. They promptly took it all down. Like I said crazy is easy.

Other than that I read books and slept. Until I was informed one day that a mass murderer of some kind had arrived. The State of Ohio needed my cell to house him. So off to general population I went. Not pleased at all with this turn of events.  I took the first opportunity to object, when meal time rolled around.  I took the tin tray of food being handed to me through the bars and tossed it on the closest guards.

Food fights on TV are a great source of humor. In county lockup not so much. I was placed in the hole. The hole in this jail was a 4 foot by 4 foot metal closet.  Inside The Hole was a small metal stool fixed to the floor in the middle of the room. The stool was meant to complicate an already small space. After a few hours the guard came by and said. We will let you out, if you promise to behave. I asked him. Can I go back to maximum security? He said nope, general population. I told him. I like the hole just fine. After all, it was a private room. For days they kept asking and I kept answering. No thank you, I liked it here in the hole. Finally after a few days the mass murderer was transferred out of county. So the hitch hiker was moved back to maximum security. Crazy is easy.

The rest of the Hitch Hiking story. Before I tell this part of the story I want to establish a few things. I love and respect the US Marine Corp. I also have the greatest admiration for the men and women who serve in it. The Marine Corp didn't fail me. I fail the United States Marines. I was only a Marine for nine months. That being said. The things I learned have been with me throughout my life. The Marines, Kathy and my mother each had a hand in establishing my moral compass. I haven't always measured up to it, but it is how I try to live.

Finally after about 30 days maximum security in the county jail of Ohio, I was escorted to my transportation back to the Marine Corp. You see my mother had been burning up the phone lines with the Marines to gain my release. When I arrived back at Quantico, I had to stand before my commanding officer. He told me my mother had assured him that I was a good boy. That he was going to handle everything administratively. Basically he was embarrassed. Nobody even knew I was gone. Having been detached to the army for training. Nobody had actually been keeping track of where I was. I had fallen through the cracks for over a month. Resulting in my 30 days of county lockup in Ohio.

Having missed my training as a map maker. 

I now had a "ONE WAY" ticket to Vietnam. 

I had one tiny problem with this. I knew if the Viet-cong didn't get me, someone from my own team might. I did not fit in anymore. My team player skills have always sucked. I'm not good with authority.  The indoctrination from boot camp, had worn off. I was again thinking independently and challenging everybody. In Vietnam this would have been a liability that would have gotten other people killed. Not being totally gone, even I knew what being fragged was. So when my commanding officer asked me if I had anything to say. Not wanting to die at 18 years old.  I indeed had a lot to say. After all why should now be different. I always had something to say or at least an opinion.

For the next 15 minutes, I had a lot to say. I told him that while on leave after boot camp I had taken LSD and shot Heroin. He asked if I had done LSD before joining the Marine Corp? I told him I had. Truth was, I had used LSD many, many times. There was one time period alone, when I had approximately 12 tabs of some blue concoction called purple haze or something. I remember vividly, it being rolled in paper like a pack of Necko's candy. Yes, I used most all of them. This was just one time period, not counting Mescaline/peyote. Sheets of paper with dozens of drops of LSD on it. Along with many other colors in tablet form. Yes sir, I had done a lot of LSD. Including freaking out twice, which back then was defined as a bad trip. Like I said I had also shot Heroin for the first time while on leave after boot camp.

All this rocked him back a bit. Thing is, I hadn't even gotten to the good part yet. Not wanting to leave my C.O. hanging I launched into the rest of the story. This part of the story is also true. What can I say. I had problems. I also was a major knuckle head.

I told my C.O. that I had been getting drunk and trying to cut my toes off. He asked me if I was telling the truth? Yes sir it is the truth. With what? A hatchet I bought at a hardware store. Where is this hatchet? In my locker. I was immediately placed under guard outside his office while two Marines went through my locker. After they found the hatchet, another guard was added to my detail which immediately escorted me to the base Psychiatrist.

The part I didn't tell him was, I had also tried on several occasions to get a friend to drive his car over my ankle. Honestly at a certain point there is such a thing as to much crazy. Rubber room or freedom. Skip the car part.

The shrink thought they had over reacted. After hearing my story he asked me. Do you still want to cut your toes off? I answered with a question. Do you think I will be discharged from the Marine Corp? His answer was very clear. Yes, you will definitely be discharged. Then no, my toes will survive. I was diagnosed Schizophrenic with masochistic tenancies. Today it would be called obsessive compulsive with a pinch of bipolar. Over the next month while I waited to go home my locker was inspected a couple more times. Not wanting to disappoint. I tried to make sure to have a hatchet in the locker for them to find. Which they would promptly take. Only to have it replaced with another. At this point, I was just screwing with them. Making them crazy was my new hobby.

Making them crazy was my new hobby. Isn't it funny how history repeats itself. Again now it's my job to make Pez Corporation nuts, by screwing with them as much as possible. Note, this is not a full time job, I only do what I can in my spare time, now that Pez Outlaw Diary is basically done.
 
After a while the Marine just let me leave. I hitch hiked home, while they handled my discharge. Believe it or not. Thanks to Jimmy Carter and the Red Cross. I now have a General discharge from the Marine Corps. That's like a "B" in school grades. Since all I ever got in school were "Cs". I guess it"s not so bad.

I left the Marines with a GED and an arm that aches, when the weather changes. You see, while being detached to the US Army I dislocated my elbow. This happened while I was doing the Armies obstacle course. My elbow was dislocated bad enough to require traction in the hospital for about a week. The Army enjoyed messing with the Marines detached to them for schooling. I always figured it was some kind of an inferiority complex.

Another quick story. Shortly after getting home I joined the Lansing chapter of the White Panthers or as I fondly remember them The Lansing Cocaine Club. Activities seemed to center around, staring out windows and mistaking Mailmen for FBI Agents. The result of Cocaine induced paranoia. Luckily I got bored and moved on after about a week.

This all must seem unbelievable, truth be told this isn't even everything.
There are still parts of this story that I've never shared.
Trigger words; Hot shower n Boots.
What can I say.  I led the charmed life of an imbecile.

How do I explain the price to a mind in desperation. 
What appears of unique value had a cost of decades.

The pain is well hidden but should be cherished.
Wisdom is gained through the survival of adversity.

Treat what you are labeled with by others as your tool box.
Your view of this world is unique, a perspective unattainable by others.

Cherish who you are, don't allow others to define you.

The cost.
I slept with the light on for about a year following all this n it took about 20yrs to bounce back from the damage to me mentally.

What You Learn

Are You a Fighter or are you a victim?

You have no choice if you want to suceed.

Please Watch My Emmy Winning Movie, The Pez Outlaw on Amazon Prime, Peacock, Sling & Pluto. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Best actor at SXSW. Thank You.

We are all imperfect in our own ways. That imperfection should be cherished not shunned.

Crazy is not going away, so hand it a shovel & tell it to start digging.

It's high time it became useful & carried it's share of the load.

I had to walk away from everyone I knew & hung out with during my use of drugs & Alcahol. Everybody!

No alcahol or Drugs are allowed on our farm or in our house.

Nobody under the recreational influence of Drugs or Alcahol is allowed on our farm or in our house. 

Hard work is your friend.

Actual work is better than a workout at a gym. The reason is you need a sence of accomplishment.

Be careful not to replace one obsession with another.

Writing helps you deal with & Find Clarity.

On a lighter note. On TV folks that have drug problems white knuckle it & just take Tylenol. If I am in serious pain Mom allows me a mini vacation from pain, But she also says after a day or 2. OK that's it no more. She knows that I am enjoying it. Mom sets the rules & I live by them. That's it.

This next part is sorta outa place but very important. 

I will not tolerate anyone speaking disrespectfully to Mom/Kathy. No harsh words & No arguing wih her. She will be treated with respect.

I had hesitation to talk about or use this part.......

Masochistic tendencies. When your brain tortures you with thoughts. I really hate this part.

Our biggest fear & in most cases the thing that scares us the most is Death. Yet somehow we have trained ourselves not to deal with that thought 99.999% of the time.

If we can do that with this? Why can't we learn to apply the same method to Masochistic thoughts. Which is it, swipe left or right to discard on your cell phone?

I am working on this with a degree of sucess. Swipe moving on. No. No, No! New topic, moving on. It truly is a bugger. It's like my mind hates it if I feel good.

Brain cartoon. You know I think how everybodies mind is constantly thinking about this or that. Then you have a lull in thought. There's always that guy in the back of your mind, Hey I have something. Shut up, nobody wants to hear from you. EVER!

Why I decided that this was important to say. To many people are allowing these thoughts & mental health issue to make them feel worthless. Which can lead to very bad outcomes.

You are loved, even if you do not think that that is possible. You have value. You have purpose. So Please do not give up.

I am a living example of this. My past & my mental health issues would make you think. How can this guy have value or purpose? Yet my story is now a Movie (value). My work here by sharing I hope is helping others (purpose).

I will not lie to you though. This will not be easy. I spent decades with a very tortured soul. My perfect decade was actually only 6 years. Then another 10-15 years of struggle. At which point I started seeing a light in the distance, the Playboy Pez Outlaw Article & a contract with Warner brothers Studios (Which Failed). More waiting, 7 years before I met Bryan & Amy storkel (The Pez Outlaw Movie). This time massive sucess.

Now after 3 more years a lot of possible are waiting to mature. All of this came from patience, determination & have fulfiled my belief that we all have value & purpose.

If I had allowed the voices in my head to decide my future, none of these things would have happened. Most important though, I would not be here when Mom needed me most.

I honestly believe that I had to go through all of this to truly learn Humility & Kindness. These two things alone are worth the journey.

Things that had been missing were found.

Humility & Kindness.

I need to add something.

In a lot of cases people bring an evangelical purefication to there recovery from Alcahol & Drug abuse. 

What follows is my opinion, I'm uncertain what the stance of Alcaholics & Narcotics Anonamous is on this issue. Please Note that I truly respect AA & NA for all the good work that they do. They Truly Save Lives.

OK, Back to my point. A lot of folks in recovery seek purity when they stop Drinking & or using drugs. I know I did. They include quiting Coffee & Smoking cigarettes. In My opinion that is throwing the Baby out with the bath water. Whether these things are good or bad is not the point. I just think that it's attempting to much all at once. During your journey of getting clean & sober "The Big Ones are Drugs & Alcahol". I just think that you might need coffee & cigarettes to get through this.

On TV when they use AA meetings Coffee seems to be a big part of the meetings. As is people going out for a smoke after the meeting.

Quitting Drugs & Alcahol is so difficult. I just want you to not attempt to much at once which adds another degree of difficulty to your goal.

I still drink very strong Coffee in the morning. Black no sugar & no cream. I also wear a Nicotine patch & have since the late 1990s. 

The patch makes Doctors nuts. I made the mistake of going to a doctor once. He was apalled that I wear the patch to help with my mental illness. Have you ever noticed that a high percentage of people with Mental health issues smoke. They try to quit like a hundred times & go back to smoking. I quit smoking but not nicotine.

Over the last 25yrs my personality has slowly changed. I now laugh at things that used to annoy me.

The Doctor said " Buddy we have drugs that will fix you". Me, Now why on Earth would I use your drugs which have a possible side effect of me thinking more about suicide in TV comercial Disclaimers???? This works for Me.

Please know that I do not recomend the nicotine patch for others.

This is my personal choice not a recomendation. I only mention it in the form of being honest with you.

I'm OK, You're OK.

Please Watch My Emmy Winning Movie, The Pez Outlaw on Amazon Prime, Peacock, Sling & Pluto. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Best actor at SXSW. Thank You.

Group think is required for Drinking & Drug abuse. If all your friends & you are doing it, It makes this bad behavior seem normal more acceptable/normal.

When one person leaves the fold it is a threat to that dynamic of acceptability.

As you progress from Alcahol to Marijuana, To LSD, to cocaine, Meth & Heroine. If you all are doing it, It seems somehow acceptable. The cracks in your behavior only show when one of you has the good sense to say no Finally.

Unless you return to the Fold, your friends behavior is threatened by your nonuniformity. I'm OK, You're Ok becomes I'm not OK & this is not OK.

That though was not me, until we had run the alphabet soup of drugs. It was only then that I finally said no.

Mind you I had met Mom by then. She smacked me upside the head & said "NO! I'm not gonna do this. Decide, me or this." I chose her. Clarification, That Slap was an actual slap not a Metaphorical Slap.

Mom said I will help you through this. Good to her word she did for the next 2 decades of thardest part.

Heres where a new issue came into play. Your self worth is so bad that you think. How can anybody possibly love me, so you try to push them away to make that belief true. I only realized over the last decade that this is what I had been doing.

Mom did not budge. I am gonna follow this chapter with "Training Your Mule" because I think that it tells this aspect of the Mental Health story Best.

Training Your Mule By Mom.

 

Please Watch My Emmy Winning Movie, The Pez Outlaw on Amazon Prime, Peacock, Sling & Pluto. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Best actor at SXSW. Thank You.

As a young woman there comes a time when you must choose your mule.

Selecting a pretty mule is not the best choice, pretty don't get the work done.
You need to find a good strong mule that comes from good country stock.
The cross breeding of a good mule will give you the highbred vigor on its own, so you want to find one with a brain that you can work with.

Remember that training your mule is a marathon not a sprint, there are going to be times when you want to throw your hands up n give up.
If you don't stick with it you will never get the reward of a really good mule after decades of work.
Your friends will tell you to get rid of that mule n get something pretty that's easier to love.
Work, patience n care are the only way that you get that mule that carries on working hard after the pretty ones have become useless or died.

A mule can get strong headed n head off in a bad direction for a decade or so, patience your hard work will return to you 10 fold when the mule finds it's way back.
Trust your good work.

Mules are funny, as strong as they are, they need a lot of love, care n support, especially when you don't understand them.

Life is a funny old thing n takes a lot of turns that you just weren't expecting.
When that happens you're gonna look over n there'll be standin that old mule n the tireder you're feelin the stronger it seems to get.

With Love, Mom. 

The Compulsive in Obsessive

Please Watch My Emmy Winning Movie, The Pez Outlaw on Amazon Prime, Peacock, Sling & Pluto. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Best actor at SXSW. Thank You.

My Life is Filled with different chapters where I feel compelled to do something. There is no stopping me & I am always all in.

Alcahol & Drug use.

Raising & Racing Dogs, coarsing. WE had 25 dogs at one point in this. It's how I got kicked outa the city & moved to the farm.

Raising Goats, Chickens, Pigs & sheep.

Collecting Cereal Boxes & cereal premiums.

Buying 100 Fenderson family reunion t-shirts. Which lead to the Fendersons. That alone is a seriously long story all by its lonesome.

The Big one PEZ. Which lead to The whole Pez Outlaw Thingy. My dear friend Karen said, "I don't know how you of all people Did all that traveling". Compulsive Obsessive with Tunnel vision. Se the target, achieve the target. Blind yourself to everything else.

Writing Pez Outlaw Diary & Notes From The Asylum.

And Now writing Life Is Really Hard.

When I start these things I am all in. I really don't think about it. I am compelled to do it. It is the Compulsive in Obsessive.

The Good News. Something good always come from each of them.

I am an experience it & learn from it kind of person. I can't learn very well from others. I must find it myself. Which is why Doctors, Alcaholics Anonimous & Narcotics anonimous are not paths I could take. It's a long & bumpy road but the only way that works for me. Oh yeah, you know plus I'm a Hermit. All of the above would require me to leave the farm & I really don't leave the farm with rare exceptions.

With this Blog, Life Is Really Hard. If I even reach one person & they find it helpful. That's the only win I seek.

Crazy

Please Watch My Emmy Winning Movie, The Pez Outlaw on Amazon Prime, Peacock, Sling & Pluto. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Best actor at SXSW. Thank You.

Somebody Mentioned Crazy, So here we go.

1st, I use the word Crazy to own it.

I've seen really bad & I am grateful that my crazy is more of a dabbler. Depressin, check. Bipolar ups & downs, check. OCD, Check.

So there is no wonder that I'm a recovering Alcaholic/Drug abuser/Self Medicator.

Lets just do OCD for now, because I think you all already know that I've been in & out of depession for approx 2 months, So lets not live there for now.

OCD. I check everything at least 3 times. Gate Latches, doors you name it. One night I was checking the stove, Mom was in the room. I asked her not to watch, because the stove is my worst thing.

I carry the BOUNTY paper towel in my left hand for comfort & stress relief.

I ask myself. How can you be OCD & ADD at the same time. Well it Does come up.

Like I said my imbalance is a dabbler. In my opinion I only have a middling type of this sort of thing. I am High Functioning Crazy.

Yes I have embraced my crazy, because you know that you can't outrun it. Tried that for half a lifetime, it always finds you. so you just do the things that you must & move on.

I have though learned tricks to minimize some things, though I do not & never will recomend them.

Here's the thing, if you can't outrun crazy. How can you make it useful? Creativity & focus. You are unique, your perspective is different than others. Think outside the box, You know because to tell the truth we can't even find the box.

Never apologize for your crazy, be who you are.

Do not hide it, share it openly.

Do not be ashamed of who you are.

Pish Posh, we have no idea what normal is or how they think.

I have no concept of what happy is except in a bipolar high when I wait for the low I know is coming.

This post is not for sympathy. Far be it.

This post believe it or not is I hope uplifting to others who deal with these things. You are not alone, We live our own version of normal.

My choice to share so publicly is brought on whenever this type of thing is mentioned. We all need a light.

Anyway Own your crazy. If you hide it, you just make it worse.

The good news, every so often you are gifted a few moments of enlightened clarity. Mind you I haven't seen one for a while, but today is good.

It's been a rough couple of months, but we have 5 days of sunshine ahead acording to my weather link. I'm gonna grab upon that.

I value all of you & your friendship. You matter.

Related topic.

Survivors Guilt.

Why am I still Here?

Something has been on my mind for a while.

A lot of people that I grew up with are gone now.

A lot of people I spent my working Life with are gone. I found that one out while we filmed the Documentary.

And a lot of people in my later life are slipping away.

Why am I still here?

It's not like I've led a a safe or good life. So that can't be it.

I wonder if Fools have a Guardian Angel.

Anyway, It's been on my mind.